This post on "My Struggle With Unconditional Forgiveness" came from a place of pain, bitterness, grief, loss, anger and disappointment. When I say "unconditional forgiveness", I refer to forgiveness in the words of R. Brault -"Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got". This means you forgive someone; who may not realise they are wrong or who refuses to accept that they are wrong or who accepts they are wrong, but show no remorse and/or are unwilling to make amends or who accepts they are wrong, yet apologizes while feigning remorse.
I used to think the art of forgiveness was pretty straightforward, until recently when someone who I loved and thought loved me back, left me without any initial explanation. We had met about a year ago and had recently reconnected at a public event. At our first meeting, I was less interested in all the compliments he gave and quite unresponsive to the care he tried to show. However, he remained persistent and seemed genuine. So I decided to give it a try. We spent a lot of time together and after a month, you could tell that it was the start of something beautiful for me. He had grown on me faster than I thought. He seemed different from the other men I had been with. He was proud of me. He showed me to everyone around him. He looked out for me. He gave me what I always wanted. He gave me what I thought I never had. He was it for me.
All of sudden, he changed. The calls went from regular to occasional and then, nothing. He stopped calling/texting and ignored my calls/texts. I cried for days. I was worried. I was out of my mind. You know how a baby who loves breast milk reacts when you stop breastfeeding them? That's how I felt...probably worse! It took sending a voicenote in tears, for me to get a reply from him. Five major things he said were: "I feel I am not the right person for you", "I won't promise something I cannot offer", "You really deserve more", "Both of us knew we were just enjoying the moment" and "There's no point wasting each others time". Reading this, broke me apart. It was unexpected, unfathomable and very undeserved.
To think that my love and devotion were only seen as a waste of time and moments of pleasure was very disheartening. I tried to understand what he meant when he said, "I deserved more", but my thoughts were blurred by high expectations which had just been dashed.
I thought I had seen the end of my woes until I saw him with another girl, the same day he broke things off. I was shattered. When my friends asked around, they were told that he had been in a serious relationship for 3 years, while still handling a couple of other "commitments". Not only was I shocked, but I felt blind and deceived. I found it hard to believe any of these and at the very least never saw any signs. But the truth is/was the truth, regardless of whether I was willing to accept it or not. This pain seized my mind, body, soul and spirit. I could not work. I could not think. I could not eat. I lost interest in everything that mattered to me, including some friends.
Meanwhile, we did run into each other a couple of times after that, but he never said a word to me. Every time I saw him, I began to relive my woes, this time, almost twice as much as the former.
After everything that had happened, I kept waiting for an apology, a sincere apology. He did apologize, but it was one rid of humility and even the smallest form of sensitivity. It was one without intention to take responsibility for actions/omissions. It was one which increased tension and made it difficult for me to forgive/heal. As the days went by, the pain became worse. I began to lose sleep and I started to feel helpless. I had no peace. I found myself seeking for an explanation of everything. I found myself also wishing that he'd experience the same amount of pain that he'd caused me or even more. Hurt had become bitterness and all I was seeking for was vengeance. The image below shows what I really wanted. I knew there was no way for me to make him feel the emotional pain I was going through, but I just thought perhaps a punch would help. But then, I realized I was the one suffering, I was going all the way to hell because I was trying to drag another person into the fire, yet I was already getting burnt.
It's been almost three months since the breakup and my recovery has been anything but easy. You see, I have come to learn that forgiveness is not always straightforward, but it is the way forward. Forgiveness is onward looking. It sees that there's no moving ahead if we continuously yield to the roadblocks of bitterness, anger, hate etc. Forgiveness however, does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness may be easier where there is an apology, but it is often harder without one. Which was why I had subjected myself to self-imprisonment because of bitterness and by so doing, ignored my chances of healing and living.
I have started my journey of forgiveness and have chosen to let go of all the bitterness that constantly weighed me down. I understand that while he might not be deserving of my forgiveness, it is important for my sanity and for the purpose of letting myself out of the prison of bitterness, to allow new love find me. I also choose to avoid dwelling on reasons NOT TO forgive, but to dwell on reasons TO forgive.
Today I encourage you, to try to let go of that pain, anger and bitterness. Give room for peace, for a love that caters and makes you better, not one that batters and makes you bitter. Remember that, a heart clouded by bitterness holds back the rain of love.
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